A Darwin, Australia-based insurer has issued a crocodile attack insurance policy to cover U.S. President Barack Obama during his two-day trip to the continent this week.

President Obama, only the fifth U.S. president to visit Australia, will visit the national capital of Canberra as well as Darwin, the capital of the Northern Territory.

The local insurance firm, Territory Insurance Office, said it hopes to present a framed copy of the policy, which features a threatening crocodile image, to the president during his visit to Darwin.

“It’s a unique product for a unique environment and we’re excited to be issuing one of these policies for Obama as a memento of his time in the territory,” Richard Harding, the insurer’s CEO, said in a statement.

The insurer has offered the crocodile coverage for more than 20 years in Australia, where saltwater crocodile attacks kill two people a year on average. “Salties,” as they are known locally, are the largest of all living reptiles and can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh more than a ton.

In the unlikely event that the president were to be attacked and killed by a crocodile, the policy would pay out $50,000 Australian ($51,400).

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Great business idea:

1. Create scary poster for travel agencies with 23 foot Saltie attacking fun loving couple

2. Sell policies for $5 a month to tourists

3. Pay $100,000 or less each year… if they have insurance and family knows to collect

4. Profit!

Tricia is annoyingly honest. She will always do the right thing, regardless of the situation. I, on the other hand was raised in India and will sometimes blur the line as needed. Of course I get the supremely disappointed look from Tricia when I do something that has not got her approval.

Yesterday, she went to Whole Foods for her weekly grocery shopping trip and picked up some coffee for me. I really like the Allegro coffee they have there; plus it’s fair trade. So, she comes home and is putting things away and review the receipt. So, being the epitome of honesty, she takes it back with her. The customer service guy was very surprised and took the bag, looked at her and said, “I really appreciate your honesty, so please enjoy this coffee on us.” Then he wrote “Try me!” on it and shook her hand.

It’s really good coffee. Now, it’s ethically good coffee, with an annoying aftertaste.

You appear to be advocating a new:
[ ] functional
[ ] imperative
[ ] object-oriented
[ ] procedural [ ] stack-based
[ ] “multi-paradigm”
[ ] lazy
[ ] eager
[ ] statically-typed
[ ] dynamically-typed
[ ] pure
[ ] impure
[ ] non-hygienic
[ ] visual
[ ] beginner-friendly
[ ] non-programmer-friendly
[ ] completely incomprehensible
programming language. Your language will not work.

Here is why it will not work.

You appear to believe that:
[ ] Syntax is what makes programming difficult
[ ] Garbage collection is free
[ ] Computers have infinite memory
[ ] Nobody really needs:
[ ] concurrency
[ ] a REPL
[ ] debugger support
[ ] IDE support
[ ] I/O
[ ] to interact with code not written in your language
[ ] The entire world speaks 7-bit ASCII
[ ] Scaling up to large software projects will be easy
[ ] Convincing programmers to adopt a new language will be easy
[ ] Convincing programmers to adopt a language-specific IDE will be easy
[ ] Programmers love writing lots of boilerplate
[ ] Specifying behaviors as “undefined” means that programmers won’t rely on them
[ ] “Spooky action at a distance” makes programming more fun

Unfortunately, your language (has/lacks):
[ ] comprehensible syntax
[ ] semicolons
[ ] significant whitespace
[ ] macros
[ ] implicit type conversion
[ ] explicit casting
[ ] type inference
[ ] goto
[ ] exceptions
[ ] closures
[ ] tail recursion
[ ] coroutines
[ ] reflection
[ ] subtyping
[ ] multiple inheritance
[ ] operator overloading
[ ] algebraic datatypes
[ ] recursive types
[ ] polymorphic types
[ ] covariant array typing
[ ] monads
[ ] dependent types
[ ] infix operators
[ ] nested comments
[ ] multi-line strings
[ ] regexes
[ ] call-by-value
[ ] call-by-name
[ ] call-by-reference
[ ] call-cc

The following philosophical objections apply:
[ ] Programmers should not need to understand category theory to write “Hello, World!”
[ ] Programmers should not develop RSI from writing “Hello, World!”
[ ] The most significant program written in your language is its own compiler
[ ] The most significant program written in your language isn’t even its own compiler
[ ] No language spec
[ ] “The implementation is the spec”
[ ] The implementation is closed-source
[ ] covered by patents
[ ] not owned by you
[ ] Your type system is unsound
[ ] Your language cannot be unambiguously parsed
[ ] a proof of same is attached
[ ] invoking this proof crashes the compiler
[ ] The name of your language makes it impossible to find on Google
[ ] Interpreted languages will never be as fast as C
[ ] Compiled languages will never be “extensible”
[ ] Writing a compiler that understands English is AI-complete
[ ] Your language relies on an optimization which has never been shown possible
[ ] There are less than 100 programmers on Earth smart enough to use your language
[ ] ____________________________ takes exponential time
[ ] ____________________________ is known to be undecidable

Your implementation has the following flaws:
[ ] CPUs do not work that way
[ ] RAM does not work that way
[ ] VMs do not work that way
[ ] Compilers do not work that way
[ ] Compilers cannot work that way
[ ] Shift-reduce conflicts in parsing seem to be resolved using rand()
[ ] You require the compiler to be present at runtime
[ ] You require the language runtime to be present at compile-time
[ ] Your compiler errors are completely inscrutable
[ ] Dangerous behavior is only a warning
[ ] The compiler crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] The VM crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] You don’t seem to understand basic optimization techniques
[ ] You don’t seem to understand basic systems programming
[ ] You don’t seem to understand pointers
[ ] You don’t seem to understand functions

Additionally, your marketing has the following problems:
[ ] Unsupported claims of increased productivity
[ ] Unsupported claims of greater “ease of use”
[ ] Obviously rigged benchmarks
[ ] Graphics, simulation, or crypto benchmarks where your code just calls handwritten assembly through your FFI
[ ] String-processing benchmarks where you just call PCRE
[ ] Matrix-math benchmarks where you just call BLAS
[ ] Noone really believes that your language is faster than:
[ ] assembly
[ ] C
[ ] FORTRAN
[ ] Java
[ ] Ruby
[ ] Prolog
[ ] Rejection of orthodox programming-language theory without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox systems programming without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox algorithmic theory without justification
[ ] Rejection of basic computer science without justification

Taking the wider ecosystem into account, I would like to note that:
[ ] Your complex sample code would be one line in: _______________________
[ ] We already have an unsafe imperative language
[ ] We already have a safe imperative OO language
[ ] We already have a safe statically-typed eager functional language
[ ] You have reinvented Lisp but worse
[ ] You have reinvented Javascript but worse
[ ] You have reinvented Java but worse
[ ] You have reinvented C++ but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP better, but that’s still no justification
[ ] You have reinvented Brainfuck but non-ironically

In conclusion, this is what I think of you:
[ ] You have some interesting ideas, but this won’t fly.
[ ] This is a bad language, and you should feel bad for inventing it.
[ ] Programming in this language is an adequate punishment for inventing it.

Credit

Today Eve came to me and told me that her homework was “Flick-tation” and flicked my nose. Many giggles later, she said that she was just kidding and it was called “Dictation”. The objective of this homework was for me to read a book as she follows along and then she has to regurgitate the story and I take notes. Ok, awesome, I know what I’m going to be doing for the next 30-45 minutes.

The book is called “Let’s get a pup said Kate by Bob Graham”

It’s a story about Kate, whose cat Tiger dies and she’s lonely. She asks for pup and her parents seeing an ad in the paper, take her to the animal shelter. There they see many dogs and fall in love with a puppy called Dave. One their way out they see a an older dog called Rosie, but they decide to leave her behind. Dave is a bouncy happy puppy and cried all night. The next day they go back and get Rosie and basically are thrilled to be together. It ends with Kate and the dogs in bed with Kate listening to Rosie’s belly and heartbeat thinking that her bed will not never float away into the night.

So, I read the story to Eve and she lay in bed listening to every word. Then I asked her to dictate the story back to me. Here are the results:

Dictated by Evelyn Mittra, 30th August 2011

—

Bob the cat died and “Let’s go get a pup” said Kate.

 She told her mom and dad “Let’s go get a pup”. They said, no pups don’t come in wrapping.

 They looked at the magazine and they went to the rescue center.

 There were lots of dogs. Sad dogs, happy dogs, scratchy dogs, jumping dogs and finally they found a puppy they really wanted. His name was Dave.

 And then they found another dog called Rosie. Rosie was a nice dog. It was waiting for us. The walked away leaving it all by itself.

 Dave pulled everything off the table and cried through the night. So, they got dressed and ready to get the other puppy.

 They unlocked the cave and got the other puppy.

 Rosie’s tail was so big that it smacked everything off the table.

 They slept on the living room floor and then they slept on their couch.

 Kate went to the bathroom and Dave pulled her pants off.

 Kate and Rosie go up to the bedroom and Dave went down, he’s silly.

 Dave and Rosie slept on Kate’s bed and her bed won’t float away any more.

The End.

Over the last few days, Hurricane Irene has been all over the news. I get why Hurricanes are named after women. But whenever I hear Irene is coming, in my head think of someones kindly granny bringing me cookies not someone who will bring me a large cup of “I’m gunna F you up”.

And just as an FYI, Irene means peace.

We really need more relevant names like Hurricane HuffAndPuff or Hurricane Steamroller or Hurricane Destructor 3000.

Got excited? Sorry, those asshat GOP politicians continue to be moronic.

I read Mouse and the motorcycle to Eve and Arjun recently and the love the p-p-ph-ph-ph-ph-p sound of the motorcycle.

This is a timeless book of adventure and a voyage of discovery. It talks about being responsible, having fun and care for others. Such a great story. The kids stay glued to every page I read. If you haven’t read this book, it is the story of a little boy, a mouse and a toy motorcycle.

My mom read this book to me when I was about 5-6 I think. A synopsis of the book:

“When Keith and his family take room 215 at an old hotel, he has no idea what is in store for him. That room also happens to be the home of Ralph, a young mouse. When Keith leaves his toy motorcycle out and then leaves for dinner, Ralph can’t resist sitting on it. Keith discovers him and the two become friends. But what adventures will await Ralph now that he can ride a motorcycle? “

 

The air conditioning at the office has been acting up after the long weekend and many of the engineers headed home to work from cooler environs.

Late tonight facilities sent this to us:

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 One more thing

Facilities will provide popsicles to help make the heat a little more bearable.   Check the freezers after 9:00 a.m. tomorrow for treats.

Thank you all for your understanding and eat responsibly… avoid the brain freeze.

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Funny and cute.

Today was an awesome fathers day. Because it was Sunday, the kids had already got themselves breakkie while we were in bed. We rolled out of bed at about 8am and Tricia started working on a fantastic brunch. Of note was the Kodiak sourdough pancakes… but I had finished all the eggs last night when the Readings and Becks were over. So she hurried over to the store and comes back with eggs, bacon, sausage and wait for this… beer. Yes, my awesome wife picks up Obsidian Stout while looking for eggs. I’m reminded daily why I married her.

Brunch consisted of the aforementioned pancakes, sausage, bacon, fruit salad, home made cherry jam, boysenberry jam she made last week and vanilla yogurt, besides other stuff for pancakes. We savored the meal and thought about what we wanted to do. I suggested the Discovery Museum in Sausalito and we headed off by 10:30 catching the last bit of Car Talk on NPR. En route there,  I changed my mind because it was turning into an awesome day. We pulled off 19th Avenue and headed over to Moraga Steps to the Grand View Park. I love the view there and Tricia had never been there, so we walked all the way up. We sat around for a bit and then headed off to Golden Gate Park where it took us a while to find parking after which we walked over to the playground for the kids to run. In a couple of hours they were exhausted, so we wandered back to the car.

Tricia had an appointment in San Bruno, so we doubled back and Arjun promptly fell asleep. We picked up a small snack and she went to her appointment. Eve and I discussed our PoA. Playground it is. I knew there was a spot from Skyline Boulevard were you can see SFO, so we headed off there while Arjun was sleeping. Eve and I watched a few airplanes take off and land. It looked like Arjun was starting to stir so we drove off to the San Bruno City Park. A very nice park, but a lot like the Hayward Park where it was filled with rather rough folks. As we parked, Arjun woke up and saw a large purple dinosaur one could sit on. He “woohoo-ed” loudly and said he was ready to play some more. He too snacked while Eve climbed all the kiddie climbing walls and was starting to look tired. We drove back to Tricia, but we got the message that she was going to be another 30 minutes or so. So we spent the time parked outside, playing “elbows”, where we jab each other with our elbows. Very low tech but high in giggles. We played Angry Birds for a bit too and then Tricia made her appearance.

We drove back into the city to Dolores Park, where there was a small band playing that we sat and watched for a bit. We headed off to Pakwan, our favorite Paki restaurant and pigged out on Dal, Veggies, Biryani and Naan. We slowly headed back to Dolores to Bi Rite Creamery to get our hit of Salted Caramel ice cream. There was another couple in front of us with a kid in a stroller. We made bits and pieces of polite conversation with them and teased our kids about not liking ice cream. When they got to the window, they got a huge soft serve salted caramel for the kid, mom turns around and the whole thing lands in the kid’s lap. All four adults go “Oh shii… um shucks!”. Frantic cleanup and wet towels later we get our turn and all of us get the kid sized scoops. Arjun starts to wolf it down and gets brain freeze and starts whimpering. Eat slower boy. Even fuller, we make the uphill trek back to the car, about 6 blocks way. Eve wanted to run all the way back.

As soon as we’re on the freeway, Arjun announces that he needs to pee. We collectively sigh and ask him to hold it. He says “I can’t… I can’t…” and then is all silent. Fearing the worst, I asked him if he was OK. He says that he doesn’t have to pee anymore. We envisioned an evening of pulling out the car seat, washing, drying, cleaning etc. Then he says “I don’t have to pee because I need to go poop.” Eve looks at him aghast and says “You CANNOT poop on Lightning McQueen and Mater”. She had lovingly chosen his underwear this morning and the thought that he would poop in it, was ripping her apart. Arjun look at her and says quietly “Oh, I forgot about that. I’ll hold it till I get home.” Phew!

We get home, lots of peeing and pooping later, the kids are in bed. I head to the backyard with a glass of wine and a Cuban while being glared at by the wife. Easier to apologize later than explain upfront. Now to end it with some Obsidian Stout. Goodnight all, I hope you had a vatertag as good as mine.

(Also while I was in the backyard enjoying my stogie, Eve and Arjun stood at their bedroom window asking me why there was steam coming from my mouth…)

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